star struck, raw beef

i sat in the wooden chair up in the treehouse on a rainy day and notice all the carvings made by bark beetles along my armrest. the rain dropped down on the cedar boards like little meteorites. the pulses in the little puddles reminded me of tiny little life with beating hearts. all this life is happening at once but none of it is synchronized. none of it makes any sense!

there's a lot of things that look differently when looked at for the second time.

My mind wanders.

When I look around me now I think wow...what happened to everyone? or better yet, what happened to me? I used to sit down and write down every thought, itch, feeling I had in painful amount of detail as if i had something to prove. now I just let those feelings run loose in the back of my mind until it goes away.

I'm back at that neutral state again, where everything just feels so fucking numb. I listen to music that depresses me, and I open my kitchen cupboards multiple times expecting food to just magically appear. I am the abandoned child of Tickle. Standing on the bus with smelly people 2 hours a day and riding a foldup bike around campus. I even wear plaid now.

My thoughts are fragmented. I write my papers in big chunks and try to piece them together in the end like puzzle pieces.

I wish you were here. I miss you. if we hadn't gotten in silly fights all the time, I'd miss you more. but I still miss you.

Anonymous

I don't know why I keep listening to songs that remind me of warm, familiar times not too long ago. like a friend once said, driving plus sad songs is a prescription straight to hell. I guess i won't be driving much lately, but I've found a couple of ways to fall asleep at night.

Crying is a good way to tire yourself out. If you drink plenty of water and prepare spoons in the freezer to cure the puffy eyes in the morning, there's nothing better than a good cry.. at least it feels like you're accomplishing something. It's like picking at a scab before it's ripe. you know it's bad reopening a fresh wound with dirty fingers, but some sick and twisted part of your brain tells you that you enjoy the self-induced pain.

Another one apparently is masturbation. although i've been quite turned off lately by myself...i think i'm going to have to start trying that one soon. maybe even repeat several times a day because effects are brief.

During the day, it's good to try and wake up as late as possible and afterwards, keep busy with whatever, such as cleaning your room, watching movies, or go out with what little friends you have remaining after a long relationship. At the end of the day, if still can't sleep, it's wise to repeat the above 2 procedures to fall asleep.

But in the end, nothing will do much to help the pain accept to wait it out. it's not some poisonous venom that you can push out by crying...it's something very raw. and it's real... And what's worse than a broken heart is one that's responsible for breaking the other person's also. I write as if I'm the victim here, but the truth is..I could've prevented all of this from happening, but things aren't the same as they used to be, and I'm sorry I had to do it...i wake up with a feeling of regret. deep sense of remorse. But i know in the end.. these feelings will subside, and we'll be left of memories of a once beautiful relationship. something pure and euphoric. something worthy of joy and pain all at the same time.

Equilibrium

Ever hear a song that makes your mind shift into a state of neutralness? a state of complete blank..yet everything feels so complete and perfect at the same time. like you just switched on cruise control and have been watching yourself drive down the highway for hours. like swimming and being able to breath under water. or flying in one of  your dreams.

If anything I learned from school, is that almost everything exists in a state of equilibrium. Law of physics tells us that anything in the state of order will try to become chaos, entropy, unless there's a force confining the molecules. they will try to re-establish equilibrium as quick as possible, by process of diffusion, or other methods of spreading, or by simply remaining in chaos. 

Sometimes, during certain moment in my life, certain moments of "truth" or whatever you call it, it feels like I'm living one of these songs. Where the bass drifts on foreeeeever. and the bells chime once in a while. a whistle here and there. These moments are completely random. they can be momens during the middle of a good conversation. or at a time of loneliness. it can occur when i'm just about to laugh, or right after a good cry. it can occur when i'm sitting in the middle of a grass field at night, or when i'm cuddled in a blanket in my room listening to the rain outside. most often they occur in a moment when i realize how small i am in this world. i like the feeling of watching and listening to the trees sway to the wind at night, or the sound of thunder, because i feel engulfed.. it's comforting to know that i'm still only a little teenie tiny part of nature.

sometimes i think we become too full of ourselves. we spend too much time building little empires around ourselves, forgetting that it can be destroyed so easily and instantly by a hurricane. not saying we shouldn't build structure and stability around our lives, but most of the time these structures end up limiting us. "Order wishes to become in Chaos". [fart molecules will spread until they are at equal and maximum distance with each other in a room] then the room becomes another confinement for the fart molecules. until they are released into the universe, they will never be at peace. I picture people as molecules in a room, waiting for the structures to collapse so we can break free.. when that day comes, we'll be at peace. we'll finally reach equilibrium again.